Author: Linda

Relational mindfulness

Mindfulness is, “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment”–Jon Kabat-Zinn

Mindfulness as a solitary practice

Mindfulness is usually taught as an individual activity. In class, surrounded by other people, you sit, close your eyes, focus on breath, sounds, or body sensations, and then observe what happens inside you. Thoughts and feelings come and go. Difficult thoughts stay like a broken record. Chronic pain and stress, persist. Sounds might draw your attention away from your internal activity, but, for the most part, you are riding solo. Even with eyes open in standing or walking meditation.

Breath…mind wanders…you become aware that mind has wandered…and you bring your attention back to your breath. Like practicing fartleks* or scales on a clarinet. Working toward mastery. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant, sometimes neutral or even boring, practice takes determination, dedication, self-control, self-motivation. Unlike a child whose parent wants her or him to excel at T-ball, though, no one is going to monitor how often, how long, or how “right” you practice. By the way, there is no right way to do this.

You can see that the process, the practice, is solitary. There is no talking or interacting with others. You can sit in your office, in your car, in your bedroom, anywhere really, and practice mindfulness. In your own world, your own space, your own pace, you breathe, mind wanders. At some point, you become aware that your mind has wandered. With kindness, acceptance, and patience, you bring your attention back to your breath. In and out of your nostrils, chest expands and contracts, abdomen moves in and out with the breath. Doesn’t matter where you notice the breath, the important part of the practice is that you do it. Just like training yourself to run faster, over time, you will notice a difference, an ease in the practice, an acceptance of whatever comes up, increased equanimity or inner calm, less reactivity, a step back from emotions, thoughts and feelings, an ability to let go of mind chatter. Like a waterfall, or ocean waves, the moment-to-moment experience flows through you. Without attachment. Without avoidance. Without apprehension.

Merging with life

And then, your formal practice time ends and you merge with a different moment-to-moment experience. Sensory overload, driving in traffic, noise, motion, other people, to-do lists, dinner, work…shoulds, shouldn’ts, and have-to’s. You feel the calm sift out of your body. You sense your mind building momentum, planning, thinking, remembering. Then something happens, a conversation, a disagreement, and you get activated..again. And not in a pleasant way. No matter how much you practice.

Practicing mindfulness with others

That’s life, right? We don’t control moment-to-moment experiences. We might be able to control how we manage our mind and nervous system so that when a difficult situation arises, we  respond with some level of equanimity. But, honestly, relationships are messy. So we practice equanimity, in vivo. Here’s how.

  1. Plan to have a calm conversation with someone you like. Go so far as to agree to talk about a neutral topic. Instead of focusing your attention on what you want to say next, where you have to go next, what happened this morning, yesterday, or ten years ago, focus on the person in front of you. What color hair does he/she have? Eyes? What is she/he saying? How is your body responding to the conversation? Is this pleasant? Are you agitated? Can you listen with most of your attention? What did the other person say?
  2. Cultivate awareness by paying attention to what’s going on around you. Notice how you feel when you’re in the presence of other people. Notice how much you listen. Notice sounds, colors, textures, faces, tones of voice.Do this without judging your performance. You’re just paying attention.
  3. Set aside time with someone you care about to practice mindfulness exercises. Here’s one that Marv Belzer, Ph.D. at UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center teaches. Pick a partner. Get in a comfortable sitting position facing each other. One person is designated the listener. The listener asks one question. The talker thinks of someone she/he likes and answers accordingly.

Listener: What do you like about this person?

Talker: I like her smile.

Listener: Thank you. What do you like about her?

Talker: She makes me laugh.

Listener: Thank you. What do you like about her?

Talker: She loves animals and takes good care of FOO, her Frenchie.

 You look each other in the eyes with as much focused attention as you can stand.  This continues for two minutes. You take a short break and then switch roles. Afterwards, you can talk about the experience with each other. You can also spend time in your own space appreciating the person you did the exercise with, the person he/she was thinking of, the person you described, and yourself for doing this exercise in the first place. This may not be an easy or comfortable task.

In intimate relationships, equanimity can fly out the window when triggers and hot buttons get pushed. If the exercises above are difficult, you might start with this exercise from somatic therapy.

  1. Stand at opposite sides of the room facing each other.
  2. Check in with yourself to see how you feel. Calm? Safe? Something else?
  3. Share that with your partner.
  4. Take one step closer. Stop. Check in again. Talk about it.
  5. Repeat until you are as close as both of you can tolerate without having to do anything (i.e. hug, kiss, walk away).
  6. Look at each other.
  7. See what happens.

For couples, this practice can take some time, but it’s well worth the effort. If your relationship has gotten difficult, you would do this in the safety of a therapist’s office with the therapist guiding you.

*fartlek — Swedish word for speed play. Used by runners to increase speed and performance.

Single again…no, not that!

Ahhhhhhh!

Being single again can leave you feeling as if you were dropped off in the middle of the Mojave Desert with no map, no compass, no guidebook, no guide. Your bags? Bulging with loss, sadness, and a desire for connection. Here are four randomly-selected suggestions for you to consider to get you started on the path toward a civilized recovery.

1. Your emotional health comes first

To ease any confusion that you might have about where to begin, consider your state of mind. If you’re thinking that you want to “replace” the partner you no longer have, resist the urge. Unless you’ve healed from that loss, you’re not ready to jump into another relationship. Other people may have already told you that. Or well-meaning friends might have advised you to “Just get out there and date. Forget about her [or him].”

Sorry, but letting go is not that simple. Here’s why. Your mind holds a full-sensory imprint of your ex-partner. Your mind and every cell in your body is still attuned to the other person. If you lived together, slept together, shared emotions and feelings, it’s all still locked in memory. So, a shared sensory stimulus like hearing your favorite song or seeing her [his] social media page or smelling the shampoo she/he used can wake up longing for the other.

If you start dating right away, in all likelihood, you will project your ex on to the other person.  Are you attracted to the new person or deluding yourself into thinking she or he is your ex? Regardless of how miserable the two of you were at the end of the relationship, you shared intimacy and joy at one point. Otherwise, you never would have gotten together. If children are involved, there’s even more of a connection.

2. Let go of expectations of perfection

Everyone hopes for hassle-free intimacy. But that’s like saying I’ll have a double-dip ice cream cone with chocolate sprinkles without the calories. It just isn’t possible. Intimacy comes from working through each other’s imperfections. Certainly, it’s human nature to want to avoid making the same mistake twice. Your last relationship had problems, otherwise, you’d still be together. So you want the next relationship to be better than that one and all others before it. So far so good. But, a list cannot prevent heartbreak or conflicts. If you have a long list of wants and don’t wants for a new relationship, you will miss out on the spontaneity and wonder of getting to know someone new.  Mindfulness practice can help you let go of grasping. The image of the perfect partner is an illusion.

3. The exception: meeting someone online

Some people do meet, date, and marry people they’ve met online.  According to the Pew Research Center article titled 5 Facts About Online Dating, “5% of Americans who are in a marriage or committed relationship say they met their significant other online.” Those odds are better than winning the lottery. But is that potential ROI worth the time you spend looking for someone online? John McElhenney said no it was not and deleted all of his online dating profiles.

“…the illusion created by social media makes us think we have a pretty good idea of who these “potentials” say they are, and what they look like today, while in truth we don’t.” Read his article at Good Men Project, a site dedicated to changing the stereotypes of men. “Guys today are neither the mindless, sex-obsessed buffoons nor the stoic automatons our culture so often makes them out to be.”

Online dating “success” stories travel fast because they are the exception. If you remember the movie He’s Not That Into You Anyway, you might remember Drew Barrymore’s character learning that stories that she had heard about married men leaving their families for the “other” woman are the exception to the rule. Online dating companies make a fortune promising the exception.

4. Be happy.

I know. I know. It’s more complicated than a two-word sentence. But think about it. Who would you rather fix your friend up with? Someone who’s miserable or someone who’s happy? Whatever it takes on your part, practice being happier. Sometimes, this can be done simultaneously with healing, but most of the time being happy has to wait. Notice that being happy does not depend on another person! When you’re ready, this Time Magazine article, lists four ways you can create more happiness in your life. There are other articles on the internet all backed by scientific research. But these four are a good place to begin. UCLA neuroscience researcher Alex Korb found that these four practices spiral people up into increased happiness.

  • Get in touch with gratitude.
  • Label negative feelings.
  • Make the decision you’ve been avoiding.
  • Touch people.

Like all well-meaning articles, this one is limited. The information is solid. You might feel inspired and hopeful that you have a plan. The follow through will take determination and practice. Changing old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving means practicing the new ways every day.

Ahhhh! I’m lonely!

Not to worry. We all feel lonely sometimes.

According to Thesaurus.com, there are 33 synonyms for lonely; 8 for not lonely including unlonely*, which, regardless of its being a real word, is not used often. Imagine in conversation saying to an acquaintance or friend, “My social calendar is full. I am unlonely.” Doesn’t usually happen.

lonelyBut “I am lonely” does. A lot. Perhaps acknowledged more often in a therapist’s office or inside a person’s head than in casual conversation, an admission to being lonely in our extroverted culture can evoke responses such as, “How can you not have any friends?” implying a deficiency on your part. Or “Go out and make some friends” as if friends were clay or cookie dough. This advice usually comes from the more gregarious among us. Despite the intent to help, the just do it attitude sounds like “Just go build a space shuttle.” For some of us, making friends is a foreign concept that begins with fear and lack of experience.

Rather than say “I don’t know how to do this,” though, many people who are lonely tend to refrain from admitting that they are lonely. By not being able or willing to express such vulnerability, lonely people perpetuate the sense of not connecting by avoiding social activities. This avoidance leads to even more isolation, which leads to more longing and loneliness.

Loneliness doesn’t just happen in isolation though. Loneliness crosses all psycho-social-economic-relationship boundaries. People feel lonely in relationships as well as without relationships.

Introverts and loneliness

Despite the introvert’s interest in her/his inner world and the need to spend time alone to recharge, introverts like people and do not always want to be alone. Perhaps one of the introvert’s challenges comes from inexperience with conversation and chit-chat. Many introverts feel uninspired by small talk or superficial topics such as the weather or last night’s ball game or sit-com.  That’s not to say that introverts don’t like to talk. Get an introvert started on a topic she or he feels comfortable talking about and get ready to listen. The introvert’s challenge is to get enough time alone to recharge and enough time with others to feel connected.

Extroverts and loneliness

Extroverts, while seemingly connected and gregarious on the outside, can feel a sense of dissatisfaction or something not quite right with the level of intimacy in relationships. You’ve read about comedians who are angry or sad “inside” while making people laugh on the outside. Or the life of the party who self-medicates because something just doesn’t feel right even though people surround her or him most of the time.

…proximity, as city dwellers know, does not necessarily mean intimacy. Access to other people is not by itself enough to dispel the gloom of internal isolation. Loneliness can be most acute in a crowd. (Laing, O., April 1, 2015. The Guardian).

The extrovert’s challenge is to get comfortable enough being alone to develop a relationship with self while satisfying the need for social stimulation. Extroverts need more stimulation than introverts do.

And what about those 500 friends on Facebook or LinkedIn? Researchers study the effects of social media on loneliness. There seems to be little agreement on a relationship between the two. Some of the obvious drawbacks to staying in touch via social media exclusively are no face-to-face interactions: even Skype does not deliver the real deal; transitory communication: here today, gone tomorrow; an illusion of reality: everyone has a social media face that may not be entirely representative; and expectations that responses will come immediately. On the plus side: what other time in history have we been able to connect any time, any day, all day, every day? Social media and e-reality as one author calls it, is a mixed experience.

What to do if you are lonely

Lonely is defined as wanting to connect with others but either having no one to connect with, not knowing how to connect, or not feeling satisfied with the level of connection you have. Unfortunately, many of us don’t learn how to develop friendships and fumble along in social interactions the best we can.

Admit to feeling lonely

This advice is easier to read than to do. Any change takes time and probably the support and help of a therapist or close ally. First, admit you’re lonely. This is always the first step in any change. Admit to yourself how you honestly feel. I AM LONELY! You can even shout it out. Maybe not in public, but certainly in your home or a therapist’s office.

Release judgement about feeling lonely

Put aside any judgement about feeling lonely or wanting more social connection than you have. Feeling lonely does not mean there’s something wrong with you or that people don’t like you. Does anyone even know enough about you to like you? Regardless of others, you probably have some critical self-talk that needs adjustment. You might think that you’ll always be lonely or alone. You might feel responsible for feeling lonely. Challenging these thoughts can serve you more than accepting them.

Lonely in context

We are not islands, although it may seem that way sometimes. Each of us is alone. Whether we face that in a crowd in the middle of a bright, sunny day or at home in the dark before falling asleep at night. Ultimately, each of us will have to face this existential dilemma. And because each of us is alone, we all seek connection with others. You are alone and you are not alone in your loneliness!

Show up

Join a group that interests you and show up every week. Even when you feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to say more than your name. You don’t even have to say that. Maybe hello to a couple of people. The more you show up, the more likely others will feel comfortable with you and you with them. Introverts need time for this process. Introverts like to observe first and jump in after taking in information about the group. Extroverts jump right in, but may not share much about themselves. Self-absorbed people…no need to elaborate…it’s all about ME! And while lonely people could use a bit more of that look-at-me quality; the self-absorbed would do better socially with a little less of it.

Smile

This may take some work, especially if you are uncomfortable in the social sphere. Smiling lets others know that you are safe, open to a few words or a return smile.

Again, this is not easy. It is not simple. Just a few words to let you know that if you feel lonely, you are not alone. And if you want to do something about that, there are people who can help.

_________________

*Of the other antonyms for lonely–populated, sociable, befriended, close, frequented, inhabited, and loved–only a few could be considered the opposite of lonely. Even sociable and befriended do not fit. A person can be sociable, can have friends, can be in an intimate relationship and still feel lonely. Maybe feeling loved is the opposite of feeling lonely.

lonely. (n.d.). Roget’s 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition. Retrieved September 21, 2015, from Thesaurus.com website: http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/lonely

Touch is getting a closer look

If you remember kindergarten or even preschool, you might recall your teacher talking about our five senses. Can you name them?

Seeing – eyes
Hearing – ears
Smell – nose
Taste – mouth

The importance of touchWhat’s the fifth one again? Oh yes, touch and that little talked about largest organ of the body…skin.

Before we go any further with this thought, though, keep in mind that scientists don’t know how many senses we have. Different articles mention different theories…fourteen senses, twenty-one, even thirty. Here are a couple to consider:

Proprioception is our sense of where we and the parts of our body are in relationship to space and each other. A common way to demonstrate this is to close your eyes and place your right index finger on your nose. How did you know which finger to use; how did you move that finger to your nose without sight, sound, smell, taste, or touch? That’s proprioception.

We also have a sense of time, of hunger and thirst. We can sense the presence of another without using our five “known” senses. If you subscribe to the concept of energy and connection with others over time, space, and even existence, you might have a story that goes something like this.

My sister and I have always been very connected to each other. Even though she lives in Oregon and I live in California, I feel her presence in my life. I don’t know what made me think of her on this particular night, I think of her often. But this time, the thought was stronger, more insistent. I phoned her. No answer. I phoned her daughter. “I’m so glad you called,” she said. “Mom is in the hospital. She had a heart attack.” I got on a plane that night and visited her in the hospital. The doctors had given her a few days to live. I held her hand, told her how much she meant to me. I thought I was saying good-bye. But for some reason, the next day, the doctors changed their prognosis. They said she made a 180. She is still alive and well. She said that hearing my voice and seeing me made her feel something shift in her.

Or you might have sensed the presence of someone who is no longer living, at least in a physical form. The bottom line is, we are limited in our current understanding of our senses. The world of science, by which we are governed in the era of fMRIs and the brain, implies that if it can’t be measured, it doesn’t exist.

Let’s get back to the topic of touch. How many hugs does it take to maintain a sense of well-being? According to Virginia Satir, a social worker who is well-known for her warmth in family therapy, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” And while this has not been proven scientifically, i.e. through observable, measurable research, science has proven that touch boosts the immune system, lowers blood pressure, and reduces pain, anxiety and depression.

This is a long way from the beliefs of the early twentieth century. In a chapter titled “Too Much Mother Love,” John B. Watson, accredited with founding the behaviorism movement,  advised parents:

Never hug and kiss them. Never let them sit on your lap. If you must, kiss them on the head when they say goodnight. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinarily good job of a difficult task (Psychological Care of Infant and Child, pp.81-82).

Those children grew up to be our grandparents and parents. With our current understanding of the transmission of trauma from one generation to the next, you can imagine the effect Watson’s advice has had and continues to have on all of us. Simultaneously, we touch screens and devices at increasing frequency. Maybe more than each other.

Without touch, babies fair far worse than babies who have been held, hugged, kissed, massaged, and gently soothed with touch. In a well-documented study of children raised in Romanian orphanges in the 1980s and 1990s, scientists learned that the children, who were not touched, developed myriad mood, cognitive, and self-control issues that followed them into adulthood. They have difficulty connecting with others, making eye contact, and controlling anger.

As always, the brain can be rewired. With love, compassion, and kindness, a handful of the adopted orphans from Romania are able to live independently. Read one story here. Others, however, still live in institutions.

David Linden concludes that “Touch is not optional for human development.” David Linden is an American professor of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. His book Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart, and Mind (2015), describes the neuroscience of touch.

For some of us, touch can feel unsafe. Touch can be traumatizing. Be sure to set your own boundaries on this topic. Talk about it with a therapist. Touch can trigger wounds. Kenneth Perlmutter, PhD defines trauma as “an interruption in our sense of safety.” So, if touch feels safe to you, get a massage, give someone you know a hug, or three, or twelve. Pet your dog or cat. Snuggle. Cuddle. Rub shoulders. Make yourself and others feel safer, healthier, loved…on your terms.

Angerrrrrr

Angerrrrr. Even though this misunderstood sibling in the feelings family can cause all kinds of havoc in your life, you’ll be happier if you accept anger for what it is: an essential and unavoidable part of the human experience.

Anger is part of the human experienceRemember the TV series Lie to Me (2009-2011) with Tim Roth? His character, Cal Lightman, was based on the work of psychologist Paul Ekman who studies microexpressions. In 1968, Ekman traveled to Papua New Guinea to test Darwin’s theory that some facial expressions are recognized by all humans regardless of culture. Ekman’s work supports Darwin’s theory; he identified seven universal expressions: happiness, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust, contempt, and anger. You can test your ability to recognize four of them on Paul Ekman’s web site.

In addition to recognizing facial expressions, most people have feelings about the feelings behind those expressions that go something like this:

Happiness – bring it on! No need to say more. We know it when we feel it. When we feel it, we usually want more of it.

Sadness – not as inviting as happiness, but acceptable as long as it doesn’t linger too long. Sadness is the feeling we get when grieving the necessary losses in life. Leaving home for college, death of someone you love, death of a pet, illness, job loss, relationship loss, moving, aging. When someone is sad, others generally offer support and encouragement.

Fear – in the right doses, like rock climbing beyond your vertical comfort zone, or saying “I like you” to the guy you just met, releases adrenaline and other stimulating hormones. When not life threatening, fear can feel exhilarating. Roller coasters, horror films, X-treme sports are other examples.

Anger – This is the sticky emotion. We have it; we need it; but…it’s complicated.

The anger feeling

As an emotion or a feeling, in some ways, anger is the same as any other. A stimulus of some kind evokes body sensations. The brain interprets the sensations and determines what to do about them, sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly. If the stimulus is strong enough, in other words, if your real or perceived survival feels threatened, the message “Do something” circumvents the thinking part of the brain. The response, or reaction, is immediate, protective. Fear is usually hiding under the anger. Dr. Dan Siegel uses his hand to demonstrate. The wrist and palm of the hand represent the brain stem. The thumb, tucked under the other fingers is the limbic system, which includes the amygdala. The four fingers covering the thumb are the cortex, the thinking part of the brain. Stimulus comes in through the senses, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, skin. When the amygdala senses danger, real or perceived, Dr. Dan says, you flip your lid. The thinking part of the brain goes off-line,  bye-bye, hasta la vista baby.

Responding or reacting to anger

Have you ever noticed that you say things you don’t mean and do things you don’t want to do when you’re triggered with anger? That’s because when hyperaroused the brain’s only goal is to protect you. Social etiquette goes out the window. You get an intense sense that you need to fight or run away. You might have different body sensations: a tensing of the biceps, clenching fists, clenching jaw, legs ready to move in to throw a punch or to turn and run. The body releases stress hormones: adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine, epinephrine, and about 30 others. The sympathetic nervous system takes over. You become hyperalert.

These are all involuntary actions. That is, they happen automatically. Read more here. This happens so quickly, you might not notice anything but the source of the real or perceived threat as you narrow your attention so as not to miss another attack.

A response includes some rational thought. You can step back, take a breath, think about your body sensations. With reactions, there is no time to think rationally. No time to think at all. Reactivity gets us into all kinds of trouble.

Aggressive behavior

Anger as an emotion is useful. The aggressive behavior that follows may not be. If you are really protecting your life or someone else’s life, aggressive behavior, violence, hitting, kicking, biting, can come in handy. If your life is not in danger, aggressive behavior can cause more problems than it solves.

“Negative” attitude

We all get angry once in a while. If you are angry all the time, however, you are not only stressing your body–always in fight or flight mode–you also send out messages to others that you are not safe. This can become an attitude and a way of life. This is tricky. If you don’t feel safe, you will feel like you always have to protect yourself. If you are always on alert to protect yourself, others are not going to feel safe around you. The best thing to do is get some counseling, take an anger management class, or read more about calming your nervous system. Anger is such a difficult emotion, there is a whole industry, a movie, and a TV series about managing anger.

Learning about anger

Think back to when you were a child. What messages did you see, hear, feel about anger? Were you allowed to express anger? What happened when you did? How did your parents express anger? Many parents, having learned about anger from their parents, and on back through generations, teach their children:

  • don’t be mad. In other words, stuff it.
  • go to your room–punishment for feeling angry.
  • criticism. Anger is B-A-D bad and you’re not only bad for feeling it, you’re bad for expressing it.
  • ignore. Emotional cutoff in response to anger.
  • and unfortunately, many people learn that it’s okay to yell, hit, coerce, threaten. None of these are okay.

Some parents and other people cannot tolerate anger from others. That’s too bad. Children need to learn effective ways to express themselves. They need to learn how to regulate their emotions so they can live happier, healthier lives. If you are a parent, read Dan Siegel’s books on parenting. He’s got a lot of good information to share with you. I’d start with No Drama Discipline in which he begins by defining discipline as teaching.

Different temperatures of anger

Most people associate anger with hot, passionate verbal and physical expression. Anger also comes in cold. As in the silent treatment and emotional cutoff. When people cutoff, or talk about their anger towards you with someone else and begin to build a team of allies, you have little recourse. Malicious gossip, the cold shoulder, the pregnant silence, collusion with others that leaves you on the outside are highly effective ways of expressing anger. In those cases, all you can do is realize this may not be someone you want to have a relationship with while holding open the door for repair.

Repairing from anger

Like life, anger happens. People disagree; people feel threatened; people get angry. Unless you are shut down emotionally or have figured out how to be perfect, you will behave in ways that you may not feel good about. In those situations, repair. At least attempt to repair, hold out an olive branch, apologize, talk about it. Repair takes two people, and both have to be compassionate enough to work through the inevitable anger in their relationship.

Julio vs. the 105

You might be wondering what  traffic has to do with mental health. If you travel on the freeways in Los Angeles County, you know. Traffic affects your mind, your body, and your spirit.

Urban living
Traffic affects mind, body, spirit
A light traffic day on the 405

Living in urban areas strains the calmest of nervous systems. It seems that something is always intruding the peace and quietude:

Noise: from vehicles in the air and on the ground; lawnmowers and other machines; barking dogs; car horns honking; rap and hip hop played loud enough to shake surfaces 100 feet away

Visual pollution: endless billboards, signs, and buildings selling goods and services; too little organic green, too many hard edges and gray / black surfaces

Over-stimulation of olfactory system: smells from fast-food restaurants, diesel exhaust, barbecue lighter fluid, chem-logs, and smog in general

Heat and sunshine: yes, too much of anything can be stressful, even warm, sunny weather

And then there’s traffic: too many people trying to get to the same place at the same time.

Traffic in LA

Here in Los Angeles County, as in many other parts of Southern California, we talk about traffic the way people who live with seasons talk about weather.

I live in Santa Monica and work in Hollywood.

I live in the valley and work in Santa Monica.

I live in PV and work downtown.

Without hesitation, comes an empathetic “Ugh” from the listener. Everyone who drives knows traffic patterns on the 405 freeway, the 5, the 10, the 110, the 101, and the 105. Don’t get on the freeway going south [or east] after three. Don’t travel north [or west] between 6:30 and 10:30 [AM].

The freeway’s congestion problems are legendary, leading to jokes that the road was numbered 405 because traffic moves at “four or five” miles per hour, or because drivers need “four or five” hours to get anywhere. Indeed, average speeds as low as 5 mph are routinely recorded during morning and afternoon commutes…–Wikipedia

When cars collide on the freeway, all 10 lanes, five south, five north, back up for hours. If you’re on the side of the freeway with the accident, cars squeeze around the wreck backing up the limited accident-free lanes for miles until a tow truck arrives. If you’re on the other side of the freeway, you and everyone else slows down to see what happened. Curiosity killed the cat and stopped the traffic. Traffic reporters call it rubbernecking.

Julio and the 105

When Julio* told me that he lives in Norwalk and works in El Segundo, I understood that as code for the 105 freeway parking lot at rush hour in both directions.

Ugh. My body slumped and my jaw dropped.

He explained that one year ago, after working in management “5 minutes from my home,” the company he worked for was absorbed by another larger corporation.

“They gave me a choice. I could keep my pay and seniority, but I’d have to move down out of management and work 17 miles west of where I live. Of course I accepted. I’m 56. I felt fortunate that I still had a job. I thought how bad could the commute be.”

The first day on the freeway, Julio regretted his decision. He began sending out resumes to find a job closer to home. “I was on the freeway an hour to work and an hour to get home.  Sometimes I might sit in my car for an hour and a half,” he said, “I was willing to take less pay and give up my seniority.” Go to sigalert.com and click on a camera on the 105 to see what Julio is up against.

Stress from any stimulus causes muscle tension. Arms, hands, shoulders, neck and jaw are stress magnets. When the body is tense, the mind is rigid. Driving in rush hour traffic can be unhealthy for body, mind, and spirit.

The gratitude attitude wins

Julio had a talk with himself and made a gratitude list. He enjoys the people he works with; he enjoys his new job. He likes just about everything that came with this unplanned change.

He just does not enjoy his commute.

“I realized that I was fighting reality. I wondered what I could do with my time in the car. Instead of getting frustrated and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to use the time to catch up with my children. I call them on my way to work and on my way home. We’ve gotten closer.”

He also uses his commute time to prepare for and digest his day. Not unlike meditation, Julio lets his thoughts flow like clouds in the sky, or cars on the freeway. He problem solves and works through his responses and reactions to interactions that happened during the day or at home. He has no attachment to any particular thought or feeling. He has no expectations about how slow traffic will travel or the time it takes to get where he’s going.

He smiled. “This change has been good for me,” he said. He’s become aware of his need to slow down and cultivate patience.

In Julio vs. the 105, Julio wins! By changing his attitude and accepting what is, Julio is gets peace of mind, body, and spirit. When acceptance is the only path to health and happiness, fighting reality only makes a bad situation worse.

Sex in therapy

No, no, no! Sex is NEVER part of therapy.

The guiding principle for all therapists is to Do no harm. Having sex with a client does harm. You have to be able to trust your therapist completely. If he or she is benefiting from your relationship, other than earning a fee for the session, the relationship is not about you. It is about the therapist.

Because of the power dynamics and privacy of the client-therapist relationship, therapists can and have exploited clients sexually. While this behavior sounds unimaginable, it’s not forced sex that is the problem. Erotic transference–yes, it has a name–happens often in the therapeutic relationship. Some clients develop sexual feelings toward her or his therapist. This is a normal response to intimacy. But let me be clear, it is the client who has these feelings and talks about them in therapy. Not the therapist. The therapist’s role is to assist the client in working through her or his erotic transference. It is the therapist’s duty to protect the client from exploitation. When the therapist cannot do so, ethics and laws do.

Sex in TV therapy

Do you remember the HBO series (2008-2010) In Treatment? Beautifully written, captivating acting, compelling dialog, convincing story, it had just enough drama to keep you coming back for more each week. Some of the episodes looked a lot like ethical therapy, but some did not. In the first season, the writers and director portrayed Laura, the young attractive client, as a seductress who the therapist Paul Weston could not resist. This unfair, and even harmful, image implies that clients may not be safe in therapy, and that a client cannot talk about erotic transference with her or his therapist. In addition to Paul’s expressing his attraction to Laura and “coming on” to her, Paul’s supervisor, Gina, encouraged his pursuit of Laura!

  • If a therapist suggests that sex is okay or part of therapy, or if you ever feel physically unsafe or uncomfortable with a therapist, leave immediately.
  • If you feel attracted to your therapist, talk about it. IF YOU WANT TO.
  • If your therapist encourages you to talk about sex and you don’t want to, say so. If the therapist insists, find another therapist.
  • The therapist must always maintain the professional boundary and allow you to work through your feelings.
  • If your therapist does not respect the professional boundary in any way, find another therapist.

Again, sex is NEVER part of the therapy process.

What is sex?

According to the California Department of Consumer Affairs:

  • “Sexual contact” means the touching of an intimate part of another person, including sexual intercourse.
  • “Touching” means physical contact with another person either through the person’s clothes or directly with the person’s skin.
  • “Intimate part” means the sexual organ, anus, groin or buttocks of any person and the breast of a female.

Your talking about erotic transference, is not sex. The therapist’s innuendos, jokes, comments that feel invasive, touching in a sexual way, unwelcome hugs initiated by the therapist, kissing are. All of these threaten the client’s sense of safety. You might be thinking, “But I was the one who started talking about sex” or “I want to have sex with my therapist.” Sorry. There are no buts. If your attraction to your therapist gets in the way of the work you’re doing, it might be time to find another therapist.

Sex with a client does so much emotional damage, a therapist who crosses the sex boundary with a client and is reported will lose his or her license, serve jail time, and pay a fine. It’s not your responsibility to control your therapist’s sexual urges.

Be an informed client, read Therapy Never Includes Sex.

How do you know if your therapist is maintaining boundaries

A client-therapist relationship that’s headed for boundary crossing has “red flags”. If you answer no to any of the following questions, get a second opinion about your feelings.

  • Do you feel safe?
  • Does the therapist hear, understand, and respect you?
  • Can you talk to your therapist about anything with complete confidence that the therapist is interested in your well-being?
  • Can you express your feelings?
  • Do you feel satisfied with the therapist’s answers to your questions?
  • Does the therapist encourage you to talk about topics you are not ready or willing to talk about?
  • Would you like to continue working with this person?
Secrets, shame, and confidentiality

The most difficult feeling for most people to talk about is shame. If your shame has something to do with sex, you might not want to talk about it. The deeper the shame, the more you’ll keep the shameful topic(s) secret. Denial, secrets, and lies accompany the shame.

When you talk about shaming topics, you have to trust that your therapist will support you and maintain the professional boundary. That won’t happen if your therapist cannot control his or her feelings.

Sex in therapy – laws

In California, you are protected by the following laws.

  • Any act of sexual contact, sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, sexual misconduct or sexual relations by a therapist with a patient is unprofessional, illegal, as well as unethical as set forth in Business and Professions Code sections 726, 729, 2960(o), 4982(k), 4992.3(l), 4989.54(n), and 4999.90(k).

See the Department of Consumer Affairs web site for more information.

Sex in therapy – ethics

You are also protected by two marriage and family therapists’ associations and their professional codes of ethics.

The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (CAMFT):

Sexual intercourse, sexual contact or sexual intimacy with a patient, or a patient’s spouse or partner, or a patient’s immediate family member, during the therapeutic relationship, or during the two years following the termination of the therapeutic relationship, is unethical.– CAMFT code of ethics

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT):

1.4 Sexual Intimacy with Current Clients and Others: Sexual intimacy with current clients or with known members of the client’s family system is prohibited.

1.5 Sexual Intimacy with Former Clients and Others: Sexual intimacy with former clients or with known members of the client’s family system is prohibited. –AAMFT code of ethics

Sex with a client is unethical. It is also illegal. You can read the entire codes of ethics published by the CAMFT  and the AAMFT at the end of this post. If you believe your therapist has acted unethically, you can phone either association for advice about what to do.

Summing it up

I hope that answers some of your questions about sex in therapy.

Want to learn more about finding the right therapist for you? Ben Butina has published an online guide on PsychCentral, How to Find a Good Therapist. It begins with a two-word sentence: THERAPY WORKS!!

CAMFT_Ethics  AAMFT_Ethics

 

 

10 FAQs about therapy

The decision to start or restart therapy is a big one. There are practical issues as well as curiosity about what being in therapy means. Here are ten frequently asked questions.

1. Will the therapist talk to other people about me?

No. No. No. Absolutely not. This is a big difference between other professional relationships such as coaching and the client/therapist relationship. The law protects your identity and the content of your sessions in therapy. Not so with coaching. What you say in therapy stays in therapy. Your therapist cannot confirm to a third-party that she or he is seeing you unless you agree in writing. That’s why, if you see your therapist in the community, she or he may not say hello to you unless you say hello first. You and your therapist should talk about confidentiality and the limits of it during your first session.

2. How much will therapy cost?

You and your therapist should discuss fees before your first session. You have the right to know how much you will be charged before you start. Some therapists offer sliding scale fees which means they’ll reduce their fee if you can’t afford their published rates or if you don’t have insurance. While the Affordable Care Act and Covered California make insurance more affordable, some plans have high deductibles and co-pays. While you will know the cost of each session before you begin, no one can tell you how long you will be in therapy. So the total cost of therapy cannot be determined unless you set a limit.

3. How long will I be in therapy?

That depends. Although some people report feeling better after eight to twelve sessions, some people feel worse because the painful topics they’ve been avoiding are being discussed. Deeper work requires a longer relationship. This is another topic to discuss with your therapist. You and your therapist can agree to limit the number of sessions. When you are close to finishing those sessions, you and your therapist can review the work you’re doing and decide if it is in your best interest to continue, start coming more or less often, or take a break from therapy.

4. Will therapy hurt?

Therapy should not hurt. Your therapist should not hurt your feelings.  Some of the topics you discuss might be painful. That’s why you’re coming into therapy. You may have tried avoiding painful topics and realized that doing so is a temporary solution. Unresolved painful topics can emerge in unexpected ways or re-emerge if you don’t address them. As an example, some people do not feel comfortable being alone. They avoid the pain of loneliness by having a series of relationships one after the other only to learn that they feel lonely in their relationships as well as when they are alone.

5. Does being in therapy mean I’m crazy?

No. Referring to a person’s mental health as crazy is unfair and judgmental. Many times the term is used in reference to women. But there are no mental disorders that include the words crazy, insane, or deranged. Most people come into therapy because they are responding to painful experiences and relationships in a normal way and need some help sorting through their emotions and thoughts. People who call other people crazy in a derogatory way are at best insensitive or just not thinking, and at worst critical, lacking compassion. If you feel like you’re going crazy, a.k.a. stressed out or overwhelmed, or made to feel crazy in response to the mixed messages from another person, then yes, therapy is a viable option for you. From a lighter perspective, crazy is also slang for busy, having fun, too long of a to-do list, or to express enthusiasm or attachment, i.e. I’m crazy about sushi. Or she’s crazy about her partner.

6. Does being in therapy mean I’m weak?

Another term often used to judge and criticize, weak can mean unable to take care of yourself, undefended, and fragile. Or it can mean being soft and vulnerable–human characteristics that are necessary for intimacy. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed and don’t want to let your guard down. Again, these are topics for you to talk about in therapy. Asking for help does not make you weak, it makes you wise. Watch Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on vulnerability.

7. Am I overly sensitive?

Human beings are sensitive to stimuli. That’s part of being human. The level of sensitivity is on a scale from completely removed from emotion to highly emotional. Our sensitivity to stimuli from the outside and inside is how we decide if a person or situation is safe or dangerous.  Important note: whoever is using “sensitive” in a judgmental or critical way is probably uncomfortable with your feelings…or feelings in general. If that’s you, therapy is a great way to take a look at why. If someone in your life is uncomfortable with feelings, it’s important to understand that and find support someplace else. If you’re crying, you have something to cry about. If you’re worried, you have something to worry about. And so on. Therapy starts with validation, understanding, empathy.

8. Will I be judged for being in therapy?

Some people may judge you for being in therapy. I would ask what makes them uncomfortable about your taking care of yourself. Your thoughts are more important. You might wonder what therapy is going to be like FOR YOU. Yes, you may feel uncomfortable, you might feel judged, you will certainly feel unsure. This is what therapists call grist for the mill, material to explore and talk about in session. The thoughts, feelings, responses, and reactions that you experience in session are more than likely going on in your other relationships as well. The difference is, you can talk about them without judgment, criticism, anger, or expectations from the therapist. In other words, you’ll be able to talk and express in a SAFE space.

9. What happens when I don’t have anything to say?

Silence in any relationship can be really uncomfortable. Depending on your therapist’s way of working, he or she may at times  sit quietly during your sessions. The therapist is giving you time and space to process a thought or feeling. Sometimes the uncomfortable silence leads to the most insightful and productive moments in therapy.

10. I don’t like my therapist. Can I stop seeing her or him?

Yes, definitely. You have the right to continue or discontinue seeing any therapist. You can discuss your feelings with your therapist. But if you find you cannot trust the therapist or feel uncomfortable talking to her or him, or just don’t feel the relationship is a good fit, find another one. The relationship between you and your therapist is the most important part of your healing process. Therapists are human beings. Each of us brings to the work our philosophy, personality, life experience, wisdom, kindness, compassion, theoretical preferences, and ethical responsibility. The qualities one therapist offers might not be what you want. You might prefer a male therapist or a therapist who is your age. If you are a baby boomer, you might want a more mature therapist, someone who has more life experience than a younger therapist. Or you might prefer a young therapist who understands first-hand the life challenges of millennials.

Therapy is a topic around which questions swirl.  If I’ve missed anything that is on your mind, Contact me and I’ll write a follow-up post or answer your question privately.

Previous article: The Therapy Decision

Next week: Sex and Therapy

Freedom, Happiness, Love

I think it was 1997 with The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book “…was a New York Times bestseller for more than seven years….” [Wikipedia]. It has been translated into 38 languages with 5.2 million copies sold in the US [Amazon]; 7 million worldwide. The Four Agreements is one of Oprah’s favorite things. It may have been a tsunami all by itself.

Four AgreementsNot everyone likes this book, of course. Don Miguel Ruiz states on his book covers and web site that he comes from a long line of Toltec ancestors who were healers. In some circles, this translates into too different to even consider. His universal message, mostly common sense, however, offers “…a new philosophy for seekers of truth and personal authenticity.” (www.donmiguelruiz.com)

Roberta* bought the book in 1997 four years before it hit the New York Times bestseller list. She considers the book an essential member of her library. Roberta describes herself as a curious person who has searched for a more meaningful life all of her adult life. “I was born a seeker,” she says. As such, she studies spiritual and self-help books; she believes that each contains information she can use to become a more authentic person and to learn more about who she is. “I read a lot of books,” Roberta said, “but I keep coming back to this one.”

Like a close friend, this small, concise tome becomes part of readers’ lives. What made this tiny book so popular?

First, it’s a physically small book. 138 pages, 5″ x 7″. You can take it with you anywhere.

It’s easy to read. You can read it in about an hour. Even though Don Miguel Ruiz was a neurosurgeon, he writes in down-to-earth language from the heart. Right-brain talk.

It’s affordable. Less than $8.00 for a brand new copy.

The agreements are easy to remember:

  1. Be impeccable with your word.
  2. Don’t take anything personally.
  3. Don’t make assumptions.
  4. Always do your best.

That’s it.

If you practice The Four Agreements, according to Don Miguel Ruiz, you can “…transform [your life] to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.”

That sounds great. Sign me up.

But what happens once the initial inspiration to live more authentically wears off? And what does “practice” mean, really? This is where the 10% inspiration; 90% perspiration adage applies.

Practice your way to a new habit

Any time we want to change something, whether that something comes in the form of a New Year’s resolution to lose ten pounds or a desire to play the ukelele, we have to replace an old habit with a new one. It’s easy and fun to imagine a new look or a new skill, but the focused attention and hours of alone time getting there tends to put people off. New habits take time and concerted effort…a.k.a. practice.

Practice begins with awareness. Before you can be more impeccable with your word, you have to know that you are not being impeccable with your word. Before you can stop taking things personally, you have to realize that you have been. Make sense?

Stop for a second and think. Do you use language in hurtful ways? Do you take things personally? Do you make assumptions? Do you do your best?

In 12-step programs, this is called taking inventory. For most people, this step stirs up shame. Taking inventory or stripping yourself authentic means coming down from any illusions you have about yourself and looking beneath the defenses and rationalizations that you have about your relationships, your intentions, and your desires. We all have a dark side. Can you own yours?

(Personal) Freedom

If you believe that you have the freedom to drive your destiny, why do you and so many other people feel limited, imprisoned, or trapped? Irvin Yalom, Ph.D. wrote about freedom as an existential concept (Existential Psychotherapy) in 1980. After decades of working with and studying human behavior, he suggests that we each have the freedom–and the resultant responsibility–to do what we choose to do and say and think and feel. Most of us want freedom. Why then do we get stuck? Maybe it’s the R word. Responsibility for the outcome or fear of being criticized by self or others. Agreement #1: Take personal responsibility. Be impeccable with your word. You might be surprised how good you feel about yourself.

(True) Happiness

Can you truly be happy? Martin Seligman, Ph.D. (Authentic Happiness, 2004) started the Positive Psychology movement when he began looking at what is RIGHT with human beings in the 1990’s– around the time The Four Agreements hit book store shelves. Since then, you may have noticed, the avalanche of books, videos, workshops, products, and services, each examining the “positive” aspects of life with promises that you can increase your satisfaction, happiness, and meaning in life. Self-help books have been around for a long time. This most recent wave is supported by science, especially neuroscience. Change your thinking, change your behavior; change your habits and change your brain!

Sounds simple. It’s not. But with intent and practice, it is possible. Agreement #2: Don’t take anything personally. And #3: Don’t make assumptions.

Love

Hearts, flowers, butterflies. Hmmmm. There’s more to love than excitement. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled (1978, latest edition 2003), defines real love as encouraging and supporting another person’s personal growth: a child, a life partner, a friend, students, and in therapy, clients.  In a broader sense, knowing that we are all connected can increase empathy, compassion, and love for each other. A butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil and causes a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico (the Butterfly Effect, Edward Lorenz). Not literally, but cumulatively. Or someone somewhere grew the coffee beans that brewed your favorite cup of java. The way you express your mood and attitude (your energy) affects each person you interact with. Want love? Then love yourself. You get what you project. If only life were that manageable. Give love and notice if you receive love. Some people will never change and it’s smart to leave them to themselves. Agreement #4: Always do your best.

The Four Agreements are easy to understand and easy to remember. That’s probably one of the reasons the book has been so popular. By practicing them, you might notice a difference in how you think and feel. Don’t take my word for it though. Spend the $8.00. Read the book. And try it for yourself. Life is an experiment. Have fun with it.

More happiness…please?

The good news is: you may have more happiness.

The not-so-good news: You’ll have to work at it…every conscious moment of your life.

There’s more good news. But first, let’s look at what scientists have learned about happiness. According to neuroscience research, human beings have a predisposition for negative thinking. “Bad” experiences stick to us. “Good” experiences slide off.  Think of this as the velcro/teflon effect.

Isabel,* 35, single, no children, is a loan officer at Greenville State Bank. She earns enough money to live comfortably, but she has developed a habit that isn’t doing her any good. She shops online every night; she spends weekends at the mall. She worries about the money she owes and wonders why all the shoes and clothes in her closets don’t make her feel happier.

“In the moment, when I’m looking for something to buy, even up to the time I hand over my credit card, I feel happy, almost giddy. I imagine how a jacket or pair of boots will change the way I feel about myself. But from the time I click Confirm or walk out of the store, my mood drops and drops and drops until I regret yet another unnecessary purchase.”

We can all identify with Isabel. She has learned, as we all have, the myth that spending = happiness, or that shopping is entertainment. This belief can lead to disappointment, guilt, shame and a feeling of dissatisfaction…not happiness.

Isabel’s doing the best she can with the information she has. Shopping = momentary pleasure, not long lasting happiness. More stuff does not = more happiness.

Excuse the metaphor cliche, but have you ever burned your hand on a hot stove? If you answered yes to the stove or another painful experience, you know that your brain stored that experience in Never-Do-That-Again memory. Had some difficulties in childhood? Your brain held on to those experiences too. Someone broke your heart? You get the idea. Scientists believe that this mechanism protects us from future harm. Unfortunately, it goes too far. Even when the danger is long gone, the brain holds onto the memory. The off switch is buried somewhere in the experience. To make matters worse, when too much “bad” piles up, we can’t think our way out of it. We look for ways to alleviate feelings of sadness or low self-worth. If you are like most people, you’ll need a guide to show you the way out.

Set-point or range of happiness

In the documentary, Happy (2012), Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD.  explains how we can turn the downward spiral around. She shows a colorful pie chart with three unequal slices.

Lu how of happiness pie chart

Pie piece one is the set-point or range of genetically influenced happiness.

Pie piece two: circumstances.

And pie piece three: intentional activities.

The difference in set point can be observed in babies in the newborn nursery of a hospital, on the playground of a preschool, and from parents’ reports about their children’s “temperament.”

We are unique from day one. Some of us smile from first breath to last. Others, stumble our way through life with a cloud overhead. You’ve heard the expression glass half-empty? Half-full? Like everything else, base level happiness (or fear, or sadness) lies on a continuum. From what scientists understand now, this piece makes up 50% of our experience of happiness.

Circumstances: More money will make you more happy

If you feel less happy than you would like to be, you might think that a different job, more money, a bigger house, or a sexier car will bring you bliss. You may have even tried buying things because you’re certain that new pair of shoes or the 75-inch HDTV will do it for you. And you may have noticed that yes, buying is exciting…for a few hours, a day, maybe two. The excitement of shopping, planning, anticipation wanes along with the dopamine rush. So for a quick high, definitely buy something new. For a lasting bump in happiness, consider this: the same body of research indicates that circumstances (socioeconomic status, age, location, etc.) contribute a surprisingly low 10% to our overall experience of happiness.

Money is important, says Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D., but not as much as you’d think. We need food, clothing, and shelter to feel safe. But, according to research again, money increases the experience of happiness up to about $50,000-$80,000 a year. Does that mean if you’re earning less than that, you doomed to depression. NO! Remember that research only looks at groups, not individuals. You might be one of those lucky people who’s genetic set point for happiness is high. Or, something else.

Intentional Activities: More happiness = 40%

You might have already done the math (or looked at the pie chart). Fifty per cent of happiness can be attributed to genetics. Ten per cent has to do with where you live and how much money you earn. What about the other 40%? That’s the really good news. You can change your experience of happiness with Intentional Activities, or what you choose to do. That 40% slice of the pie represents the control you have over your experience of happiness.

Increasing happiness: Novelty

Scientists, again, have discovered that we can increase our level of happiness by increasing novelty in our daily lives. Do something as simple as take a different route home from work, or enroll in a class, or eat a meal of ethnic cuisine you haven’t tried before. In other words, the human brain loves new experiences…and change?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold on. In Hamlet’s words, “There’s the rub.” The conundrum. The contorted face behind “What the…” If the road to happiness depends on changing the way you live, what about the risk-avoidant amongst us who do not feel safe with difference and change. Are we doomed to a state of eternal unhappiness?

Stephen Porges, PhD. (2011) found that without a foundation of safety, nothing creative or bold can happen. Creative and bold means venturing away from safety, doing something different, against the tide, unpopular, RISK-y. For some, even taking a new route home from work threatens that safety and homeostasis. Besides, isn’t safety, not change, what most of us grasp for, work towards, long after? A place to call home, our own little piece of terre firma. A dependable car to drive. A set of family and friends on whom we can depend for love, kindness, acceptance, and support?

Let’s slow down this happiness gig

We’ve all done this. You read a book or an article, you get excited, you fantasize about the new you. A day or two passes, you forget about the book and go back to your previous mode of operation. Sounds a lot like Isabel’s shopping. That’s why we’re going to take this S-L-O-W. Change is scary. Pick one new thing to do every day for a week. Notice what happens.

Unpleasant/negative/bad experiences wire the brain. Pleasant/positive/good experiences rewire it.

The rest of the good news

The more good news I mentioned in the beginning of this article is this. You can have all the happiness you want. Intentional activities rewire the brain and lead to more and more happiness. But don’t believe me. Try it for yourself. Let me know what you learn.

_______________________________________________________________________

The How of Happiness web site, Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD. Professor of Psychology at the University of California Riverside

Happy (2012) a documentary

The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation, (Porges, S., 2011)

Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming depression with mindfulness and self-compassion. (Goldstein, 2015)