Is your relationship messy?

We have to begin the relationship conversation with a very important concept and two very important questions.

Concept: Relationships are messy. Think about it. Two (or more in polyamorous relationships) adults with very different life experiences, expectations, learned ways of relating, goals, views of themselves and the world, decide to join together in an emotionally intimate way. That may or may not include marriage, may or may not include living together, may or may not include having children, combining finances, spending all their free time together. A relationship is what the individuals in that relationship decide it is. While each person’s expectations may be clear to them,  it is not the only set of expectations. EACH PERSON has their own expectations and ideas about what a relationship is and is not. Let’s pause here and begin with a yes, no, maybe question:

Question #1: Do you and your partner want to stay in this relationship? Before you can do any work in therapy, each person must make a commitment to do that work. So, if one of you wants out, the process has to begin there and that will be the goal of therapy. By the way, “maybe…if something changes” is not the same as “I want out.”

Question 2: Why do you and your partner want or need couple therapy?

MOST people want their partner to change. Sound familiar? It’s ok. We’ve all been there. But, for a relationship to repair and grow, both people have to do something different. Why? Because what you’re doing now is NOT working.

Some possibilities:

You want to learn skills to improve communication in your relationship. This work requires prioritizing your relationship and making time to do the work. It is a lot of work and you will learn a lot about yourselves and techniques to improve both communications and your relationship. Sounds simple, but let’s face it, most of us are not great communicators. We THINK we are, but do others really understand our words and actions? Maybe, maybe not.

STEP ONE:Does your relationship look or sound like this:

Credit: The Gottman Institute
Drs. Julie and John Gottman have spent the past 50 years studying couples! They have accumulated more data and experience than anyone else on the planet. There is a lot of GREAT information on their web site and in their books.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Gottman, J. 2015), a book based on Drs. Julie and John Gottman’s research. It’s is a great place to begin.

If you have not looked at Gary Chapman, PhD’s contribution to understanding your relationship, go to his LOVE LANGUAGE web site. There you will find quizzes, articles, and resources to guide you in your journey of discovery and change.

Most couples come into couple therapy hoping to get out of the stuck place they’re in. One or both partners may want to end the relationship. Or one has more hope than the other about learning how to be happier. Sometimes both people blame the other for their difficulties and want the other person to change. Whatever the reason, you want to know that the therapist genuinely cares about both of you and that the therapist does not have an agenda for your relationship. Therapy can be goal-oriented and short-term or ongoing depending on your needs.

PLEASE NOTE: I only provide couple therapy in-person and out of network. So much of couple therapy is about communication and improving relationships. Insurance does not cover this! I will provide you with a Superbill that you can submit to your insurance company for reimbursement.

Plan to commit to 10 weekly meetings at $200.00 per session.